A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Archdemon
by tklivory
Summary: As Grey Warden Kalindra and company close in on the Archdemon, an unusual curse from an unlikely source threatens the party. Will they be able to overcome its effect to save Ferelden? WARNING: Thar be chuckles ahead!


Kalindra sheathed her daggers and gestured to those behind her that they could relax as the last darkspawn fell before her. Head swimming, she bent in half and rested her hands on her knees as she fought to catch her breath. Around them Fort Drakon was almost eerily silent after the fury and furor of the recent battles. The path behind them was littered with dead and dying darkspawn, with blood and taint and death. _I'm looking forward to not being covered in blood, _she mused.

Shaking her head slightly to clear it, she leaned for a moment against the wall behind her and listened to the surrounding darkness. A slight rustling warned her of the presence of something in the chamber ahead. Pushing herself off the wall, she looked back and nodded at her companions and held up three fingers, indicating attack pattern three. Nodding, Alistair readied his sword and shield and moved to stand in front of her as she silently drew her daggers. Shale also moved to the front as Zevran readied his blades with poison for battle. Behind them, Sten brought up the rear, _Asala_ ready and waiting to drink darkspawn blood.

Taking a deep breath in preparation, she held it for a moment, then barked a short order: _"Charge!"_

They ran around the corner and entered the large room beyond, targeting the source of the sound.

A wave of scintillating energy flashed from the other side of the room. Alistair quickly pivoted, grabbed Kalindra, and pushed them both out of the way. Shale, Zevran, and Sten, however, caught the full brunt of the force of the spell and fell instantly, rendered unconscious and unmoving on the cold floor. Turning towards the source, Alistair was about to unleash the full force of his Holy Smite when a word drifted through the air.

_"Enchantment!"_

Caught by surprise, Alistair deflated as Kalindra gasped, _"Sandal?"_

The dwarf looked at them, beaming happily. "Enchantment!" he repeated.

Shale groaned and stirred, followed by slight movements from Zevran and Sten as they began to recover from whatever attack Sandal had used against them. Kalindra started to cross to Sandal, then slowed down and finally noticed what littered the space around them. The room was literally wall-to-wall dead darkspawn: genlocks, hurlocks, Shrieks, and even Ogres lining the walls and floor with blood and gore. "Sandal..." she faltered.

"Maker's breath!" Alistair murmured. "So many!"

As their three companions regained their feet, Kalindra reached Sandal's side and said, "What- _how?_"

Sandal looked up at her, a blissful expression on his face. "Enchantment!"

"Ooookay," she said, then turned to her companions. "Are you all right?" she asked them.

Zevran shook his head slightly, then gave her a reassuring smile.

_"My head is aching,  
>And my body does yet hurt,<br>But I will still fight."  
><em>  
>They all stared at him incredulously. "What?" Alistair asked. Zevran frowned, then spoke again.<p>

_"It appears as if  
>A strange thing affects me now<br>I can't change my speech."  
><em>  
>Kalindra turned to Sandal. "What did you do him?" she demanded.<p>

Sandal beamed. "Enchant-"

"-ment, yes, I get it," she groaned. Sighing wearily, she gestured to the others. "Well, I guess we should press on. Drink some potions and... and... well, let's just get going."

Shale grunted as they moved towards the exit from the room.

_"There once was a deadly young Warden  
>Who saw darkspawn that needed a-thwartin'<br>Its companions it gathered  
>And took those that mattered<br>To where the Archdemon was felled by Riordan."  
><em>  
>They all stopped and stared at her. For once, Kalindra saw a definite expression on the golem's face: one of utter shock. "What in the Maker's name was- that-" Alistair managed before collapsing into laughter.<p>

Shale's eyes narrowed as she stared at where Alistair had collapsed onto the ground, laughing until his sides hurt. Zevran looked at the stone figure, chuckling softly.

_"I am not alone  
>It appears in this odd spell<br>How bizarre indeed."  
><em>  
>Glaring at the Crow, Shale responded,<p>

_"There once was an elf with the gall  
>To laugh at one who could break walls<br>It thought that its wit  
>Would help keep it fit,<br>But perhaps I should just squish its-"  
><em>  
>"WHOA, whoa, enough!" Kalindra interrupted before it went too far. "Let's- let's just move, shall we?" Before anyone could say anything else, she ran and hauled the still laughing Alistair to his feet and shoved him in front of her. "Move, people!"<p>

Behind them came one last happy farewell from Sandal. "Enchantment!"

Kalindra swore to herself as she pushed the chortling ex-Templar in front of her. "Focus, Alistair! You never know when we are going to run into-"

As they entered the next room, they were greeted by the twin roars of Ogres. The ground trembled as the hulking grey brutes began running towards the party. A chorus of high-pitched shrieks came from behind them as a trio of drakes joined in, and an Emissary started glowing in preparation of casting a spell from across the room.

"-Darkspawn," Kalindra sighed, pulling her daggers out. "Great. Just great." Resigned to her fate, she launched herself into battle, followed closely by her companions.

It was a bizarre fight. Zevran could not seem to cease his habitual battle quips, so she had to work hard to avoid being distracted by his odd outbursts.

_"No mercy I show  
>Ha! Now we play a little!<br>Ah, I love this game!"  
><em>  
><em>"It is time to dance!<br>Shall we compete for points now?  
>That point is for me!"<em>

_"Look at my blades dance,_  
><em>Ridiculously awesome,<em>  
><em>As they seek your life."<em>

_"Oo! Now the fun part!_  
><em>Ah, this gets the blood pumping!<em>  
><em>Oo! Nice swing. Bravo!"<em>

She could even tell when he was starting to get weary.

_"I think I need rest!  
>I cannot push it further!<br>This fight lasts too long!"  
><em>  
>With each quip, she had to bite her lip harder and harder to avoid the feeling of absurdity and maintain her concentration. She heard her fellow Grey Warden giggling like a maniac, though he at least seemed to be keeping up the fight, running towards the Emissary to unleash his Templar skills on the darkspawn magic caster.<p>

Sten merely shook his head and continued swinging _Asala_, grimly hacking down the foes.

As the final Ogre fell and the final drake breathed its last, the party sagged down to the nearest flat surface as they each quickly drank whatever poultices were necessary to recover from the strenuous battle. "Is everyone all right?" she gasped as she pressed a kit into a deep gash in her side, a consequence of an inadvertent snicker from one of Zevran's ludicrous battle cries.

Shale's eyes glowed and she spoke before she thought of the consequences.

_"A darkspawn does not yet exist, dear,  
>That could harm me with dagger or long spear<br>'Tis true they are many  
>And they can be quite canny<br>But 'tis death for which they volunteer."  
><em>  
>Alistair collapsed into guffaws as he gave up trying to put his shield onto his back. Kalindra glared at him where he lay on the ground, trying to stop herself from laughing. "Well," she admitted acidly, "this is certainly not how I thought I would be spending my last few moments before encountering the Archdemon."<p>

Sten grunted. She turned to him, scowling fiercely. "If you have something to say, Qun, say it now."

_"Archdemon  
>Deadly, Evil<br>Devouring, killing, waiting  
>There we must go<br>Enemy"  
><em>  
>Kalindra had never seen someone try to look at their own lips in surprise, but the expression on Sten's face certainly indicated that that is what he was trying to do. Behind her Alistair had devolved in barely audible gasps for breath, joined by Zevran who had collapsed on top of the Grey Warden to join in the mirth. The elf waggled a finger at the towering giant.<p>

_"Even our large friend  
>Cannot fight the force of words<br>That are not his own."_

Sten forgot his discomfiture and retorted to the elf's outburst.

_"Assassin.  
>Flippant, weak.<br>Sneaking, spying, failing.  
>You are so useless.<br>Antivan."  
><em>  
>Kalindra could no longer contain herself. The laughter burst from behind her lips with a force that could not be denied. She laughed until tears started streaming down her face, holding her sides as a stitch started to develop, but she couldn't stop. The Qunari glared at her and attempted a remonstration.<p>

_"Kadan.  
>Strong, contradictory.<br>Fighting, laughing, waiting.  
>Parshaara, I am done.<br>Warden."  
><em>  
>Sten growled, then turned and stalked to the large doors at the end of the hall that presumably went to the roof.<p>

Shale chuckled - actually chuckled - and decided to end her silence.

_"The Qunari we all thought so stoic  
>Discovers that it is a poet<br>The words it did say  
>At the end of the day<br>Were its way of saying, 'Just stow it."  
><em>  
>Now they were all reduced to helpless laughter except Sten, and even his mouth was twitching dangerously. After a few more moments of wheezing and gasping, they finally managed to recover enough wherewithal to remember that they, in fact, had to kill the Archdemon and save the world. Kalindra struggled to her feet and drew her daggers. Giving them a quick inspection, she ensured that she was ready for battle.<p>

Reminding herself sternly that one very important task yet remained before them, she turned to her companions. They instantly sobered when they saw her expression. "It is good to remember the joys of life," she observed quietly. "But Sten is right. We must delay no longer."

Nodding at her words, they all regained their footing and moved to join Sten by the double doors. Kalindra looked over her shoulder as she placed her hands on the doors in preparation of moving them. "Just, please - _no talking!_" The doors opened and they surged through the opening, blades at the ready.

Beyond waited the Archdemon.

Kalindra's mouth suddenly went dry, all recent levity vanished. This was no nightmare, no dream, no nebulous fear in the back of her mind - this was _real._ She exchanged a glance with Alistair, knowing that her lover felt the same. _This was real. This was final._This was what they had been fighting towards for over a year.

They moved forward as one.

The Archdemon saw the movement and whipped around to face them. Its chest moved as it inhaled, and immediately the two Wardens moved in opposite directions, splitting the focus of the Archdemon's attack. Kalindra braced herself to react to the dark fire that was sure to come out of their enemy's maw, waiting for its exhalation so she would know in what direction to dodge.

Instead, the Archdemon paused, then lowered its head. It looked at her, eyes glittering, then slowly opened its mouth.

_"Warden! Warden! Here we fight!  
>On the rooftop, in the night<br>What entainted hand or blade  
>Could hope to end your just crusade?"<br>_

* * *

><p>Kalindra clawed her way out her dream, screaming at the top of her lungs. Next to her in the tent, Alistair jerked awake and sat up. "Kalindra! Kal, what's wrong?" He held her in his arms as she shivered at the memory. "Was it the nightmares again?" he asked solicitously. A slight grin curved his mouth. In a deep voice, he murmured, "Anything I can do to help you forget?"<p>

Shaking her head, she managed to gasp, "No, no. I just need to get some fresh air." Dragging her discarded tunic over her head, she stumbled blindly out of the tent they shared and stood in the night, breathing in huge gasps of air.

_Maker, what a night!_she thought, hugging herself tightly. Seeking warmth, she moved closer to the fire and stared into it blankly, trying to dispel the oddness of her uneasy rest. Hearing footsteps approaching, she turned to find Zevran standing behind her.

"Ah, my dear Warden, you look perturbed. Have you and Alistair fought, perhaps?" He grinned, flirting with her as he always did. "Are you in need of some comfort?"

She grinned back, not taking offense. It was his way, she knew, to cover concern with innuendo and jokes, and after meeting Taliesin and knowing what she now knew, she could hardly blame him. They were going to arrive at Denerim tomorrow following their desperate forced march from Redcliffe, and she understood that he sought to dispel the edge of uncertainty about what awaited them as well. "I'll be fine."

Examining her drawn face closely, he said, "You simply look so...unhappy. Perhaps you would like some poetry to cheer you up?"

With a signal act of will, Kalindra restrained herself from slapping the elf clear across the clearing. Taking a deep breath, she said, "No, thank you. I think... I think I'll return to bed now."

Leaving a slightly puzzled Zevran behind her, she stalked to her tent, muttering darkly to herself the entire time.

* * *

><p>Zevran: Haiku<br>Shale: Limerick  
>Sten: Cinquain<br>Archdemon: Quatrain


End file.
